


Cue the Music

by MizukiPerry



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga), Deadpool (Movieverse)
Genre: Ash Lynx Loves Okumura Eiji, Ash Lynx Needs A Hug, Ash Lynx has a breakdown, Ash/Eiji slow burn, Attempted Kidnapping, Banana Fish use, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Comedy, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Cute, Deadpool becomes a fanboy, Eiji is a bit handsy, Fights, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Guns, Gunshot Wounds, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, Okumura Eiji Needs a Hug, Parody, Pre-Slash, Protective Ash Lynx, okumura Eiji is a softboy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-13
Updated: 2020-09-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:41:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26442121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MizukiPerry/pseuds/MizukiPerry
Summary: Crack!fic!Dino Golzine hires Deadpool to bring Ash back to him. Deadpool initially accepts, but after not dying when Ash shoots him multiple times in the head and balls, ends up becoming an AshxEiji fanboy. He falls in love with Eiji especially, and he MUST protect them at all costs! Throughout this, Ash and Eiji become closer, much to Deadpool's delight.Here for lots of parody, fourth wall breaking, Deadpool being Deadpool, Ash shooting Deadpool, Deadpool being impressed, AshxEiji slow burn, fluffy chapter 2, and Eiji loving the attention.And there's a nice big fight scene at the end. Who doesn't love a fight scene?Three parter, all chapters now posted.I... don't know. It's the result of a conversation between me and Heliocat and it was incredibly cathartic to write..!
Relationships: Ash Lynx & Okumura Eiji, Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji, Deadpool & Eiji Okumura (friendship)
Comments: 33
Kudos: 114





	1. Where it all seemed like a good idea to begin with

**Author's Note:**

> I... really don't know what to tell you. Heliocat and I had a conversation about the MarvelxBanana Fish crossover here, and then got onto talking about what Deadpool would do. And a Crackfic was born. 
> 
> Anything in <these marks> is Deadpool talking directly to the audience. 
> 
> With so much thanks to Heliocat again for beta-ing, running it through her spellcheck, and adding a sentence that made me howl with laughter :D

  
"So, it's agreed then," Dino Golzine confirmed to his guest. "You will find the boy and bring him back to me, for I do miss him so."

The guest turned the picture over in his hand, staring at the boy it depicted, memorising his features. Blond hair. Green eyes. Strikingly good looking. Looked nothing like this geezer. Maybe he was adopted? Eh, it was none of his business. He was just supposed to get him away from the Japanese kid and bring him back home.

"Nice place you have here. Why would anyone want to leave? Looks like he had it made," he commented, looking around the joint. It really was a splendid house. Well, mansion, he supposed. The room they were meeting in was vast, with some large house plants, a mini bar in the corner, and a luxurious sofa, coffee table and soft chairs. Much of it was gilded in gold. Ick, gold was so tacky. Maybe the kid thought it clashed with his hair.

"He fell in with a bad crowd. Thought he could rebel and do whatever he liked. I tried to get him to behave but, one day, he just ran away," Dino explained.

' _Oooh hooo I think you're lying! Whatever._ '

"Ok, I'll get to it right away. Pleased to meet you, Mr. Golzine."

"And you… Mr-"

"No mister. Just Deadpool."

<Cue the music!>

Dino looked around at who Deadpool was talking to as Deadpool left, and couldn't see anyone. However, he could hear the faint noise of some drum and bass song that he didn't care for.

******

"Ash, why are we going this way? The ferry is that way," Eiji exclaimed, surprised. He pointed towards the docks, which were in the opposite direction to where Ash was dragging him.

"Shh! Someone's following us," Ash whispered harshly back at him, pulling him into a crowd of people entering the subway. The more people around, the less likely they will be caught.

He was so caught up in trying to blend in, that he didn't notice that the hand he was holding was no longer Eiji's. Kind of unlike Ash, but hey, this is no ordinary fic.

"Ash!" Eiji cried out, but Ash just told him to shush again. "But… Ash!"

Ash again told him to be quiet as he dragged who he thought was Eiji through one end of the subway platform to the other. Another, more desperate cry from Eiji made Ash whip round with an, "Eiji, what?"

He found himself in front of a very unfamiliar person, wearing a red mask with black diamonds and white eyes, a red suit, and what looked like katanas crossed on his back. Quick as a flash he pulled out his pistol and shot him dead centre of his forehead.

Around him people screamed upon hearing the gun shot, and the subway platform very quickly emptied. Staff called police, but they didn't dare enter the platform itself, not with a crazed gunman on the loose, and a guy who just got shot in the head, and... was still… standing. And alive.

"OW! What the fuck!" He felt for where the bullet went through his head. "Oh my God, kid, you got me square in the head! Wow! I am so impressed! Where'd you learn to shoot like that?" He applauded while still holding Eiji's wrist.

Eiji, who saw Deadpool get shot in the head and not die, promptly fainted, and got dragged around as Deadpool was still applauding Ash's marksman skills.

Ash stared at the man in front of him. He could see a hole going through the man's head. He could see right through it, though it became less and less as the hole closed up. "What the fuck..." He said to himself, and looked at his pistol.

<They didn't warn me he was good with a gun.>

Ash looked in the direction that Deadpool was talking in, but couldn't see anyone. This guy was insane. That's what it was, and his delusions were... contagious... somehow. Yes... So he shot him again. In the background he could hear staff radios going crazy with people screaming and asking what the hell was going on, and were the police there yet?

Deadpool dropped Eiji's wrist finally and stalked up to Ash until he was dead in front of him, "Would you please stop fucking around with that? Just because I heal quickly, it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like a motherfucker each time!"

'Ok, I'm the crazy one,' Ash decided. 'My lifestyle has caught up with me and I've officially gone insane.'

He tried one more time, shooting the man through his heart, but the man continued standing, getting fed up and putting his hands on his hips. "You're running out of bullets here kid."

Ash stared. He couldn't help but stare - the bullet tore a hole right through the man's chest! He stared down at his pistol, and then collapsed, a quivering wreck, caught between trying to keep him and Eiji safe and… whatever this guy was.

"It doesn't die... what the fuck is it??" He asked himself, as he looked back and forth between his gun and Deadpool's closing gunshot wound.

"What do you say we get out of here kids, before the cops show up?" He hoisted Eiji up on his back and pulled out his own pistol, holding it to Ash's head. "Let's just go." Ash didn't move, but his eyes flickered to Eiji, who was still passed out, but arms slumped either side of this man's neck, head lolling back. "Ah, the kid. Ok!” He pointed the gun behind him at Eiji instead. "Now will you come?" Ash gulped, stood up, and nodded, allowing Deadpool to lead them out, just before the cops arrived.

******

They ended up back at Ash's apartment. The two men intrigued Deadpool, and he wanted to find out a bit more about them first before handing the blonde back to his dad. Or, boss. Or whoever the guy was.

<Look, I didn't ask that many questions, I just need the money, ok? Cocaine is an expensive habit.>

"Who do you keep talking to?"

Deadpool ignored the question, "Wow, so you left a swanky mansion for a swanky apartment. You don't look like a tearaway," Ash pulled his gun again, "But you're a sharp shooter." He laughed, "You're an interesting kid..."

Eiji was still passed out. Not from the first incident, he'd recovered from that, but then saw the back of the man's head covered in blood and brain, and passed out again. He'd also recovered from that, but had passed out a third time in the apartment when Ash shot Deadpool in the balls. He would come round eventually, enough to see Deadpool point the gun at him with Ash shouting and laughing hysterically. But we're getting ahead of ourselves.

"Who sent you?" Ash demanded from this weirdo who wouldn't fucking die.

"Who do you think?"

"Baldy?"

"Do you know more than one bald person?"

"Old bald man in a big mansion, wears a smoking jacket all day."

"Yeah, that guy. Your dad. Or... I dunno kid you look nothing like him, but he called you his son so I figure you're important to him."

Ash nearly collapsed with laughter, his whole body shaking with the irony and the very thought that Dino cared one jot about him. He didn't care about him, he just wanted to use him. His mouth; his ass; his brain. HAH! Important to him. Oh no, that was hilarious! The laughter woke Eiji up and, as he roused, he caught Deadpool's attention, causing him to point his gun at him.

"Ash..!"

"Would you stop pointing a gun at my-" He stopped. His... what? friend. No, more than a friend. More than a best friend. Not quite a lover... "My Eiji!" He finished, and shot Deadpool in the balls once more.

"Hey! They haven't finished growing back since the last time you shot them!" But he put his pistol down nonetheless. "Your Eiji, huh? You know, Baldy did say something about you," he said directly at the black-haired man. "Said you were a bad influence. But you can't be... you keep fainting."

<*gasp* I was right, I was lied to!>

The two teenagers stared at the grown man who had slapped his hands to his cheeks in shock, then looked at each other. What the hell was going on?

"Did Dino tell you anything else? Why he wanted you to bring me back?"

"Uh, to take over his fame and fortune one day, as a son would! He said he was going to take care of you." Ash started laughing again, because this really was the funniest thing he'd ever heard.

"Do you know who he is? That's Dino Golzine! You know what that guy does? Look after me?? What a joke! Do you know how many kids’ lives he's ruined?!" Ash screamed at him, managing to overcome his laughter.

"Jeez kid, he's just a rich old guy who pissed off at his son for leaving him! But you make it sound like he sells boys for money and drugs them to the nines," Deadpool laughed.

Ash was silent.

Eiji was silent.

The whole room was silent.

The Author was silent.

The fangirls undoubtedly reading this were silent.

Deadpool looked back and forth between the blonde and black-haired teenagers, faster and faster, until it finally dawned on him and he slapped his hands up to his face again. "OH MY GOD! I’M WORKING FOR A MAN THAT SELLS BOYS FOR SEX AND DRUGS THEM TO THE NINES! I MUST PROTECT YOU AT ALL COSTS!" He ran up to Ash and squeezed him tight. "I'm never going to let anything happen to you, you beautiful man." The sudden touching made Ash panic, and he shot Deadpool in the foot.

<See the thanks I get for finally being good guy?>


	2. Where it ended up longer than I thought.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dino notices that Deadpool has gone AWOL, so calls for back up to get Ash back. Deadpool in meantime, has become a hardcore AshxEiji fanboy. We also get to see Ash and Eiji share a bed.  
> Little bit of fluff before the final stand off, served with a healthy dose of sarcasm and fourth wall breaks.

Several days went past, and this strange non-dying man was still staying with Ash in their apartment. He made Ash uncomfortable, not least because he latched himself on to Ash and Eiji's relationship because, "YOU BOYS ARE SO CUTE YOU SHOULD GET TOGETHER AND GET MARRIED!" He insisted in sleeping in Eiji's bed, forcing Eiji to sleep in Ash's bed, forcing Ash to also sleep in Ash's bed with him, and they'd woken up in the night cuddling several times.

That wasn't a bad thing, actually. But they were going to have to talk about things at some point.

Right now, Eiji was out with Deadpool to buy groceries. Bones and Kong had gone with them though, really, there was no need. They were just curious about the guy Ash had shot in the head three times, the heart a couple of times and the balls... so many times.

Dino would figure it out soon that Deadpool was going to renege on their agreement, and he needed to be prepared for that. Would he send someone else? Would he team up with any of the other gangs again? He wasn't sure but he'd need to keep an eye on things, and keep paying attention to what was going on around him while out.

"We're baaaaaack Ash-chan!!!" Deadpool's voice rang out in the hall as they all returned to the apartment.

"Ash! Deadpool let me hold his Katana! Look! I am Samurai!" Eiji squeaked in excitement, and started waving the sword around. Ash was having none of this, and removed the Katana from the man whose country invented the damn thing. Deadpool just handed him another.

Ash removed it.

Deadpool handed him another from… somewhere. The man only had two behind his back. He did not want to think about where the third came from, which he, again, removed from Eiji.

A fourth was produced.

<*eyebrow waggle* That one tickled on the way out!>

Ash, quick as a flash, pulled out his gun and shot Deadpool in the bollocks once more. "Stop. That."

"Ooooh, someone's cranky today! Why don't you tell old Uncle Deadpool what's on your mind?" Ash glared that intense, trademark glare of his, then burst into a string of profanities. Deadpool shouted back worse ones. Ash shot Deadpool with each profanity, Deadpool complained with each shot.

The other three couldn't help but watch this whole carry on. This was far more entertaining than when Eiji slapped Ash awake that time and Ash didn't punch him in the face. No. Ash had met his match now.

"Have they been like this the whole time?" Bones asked.

"Yes. Entire time. Ash given up on sarcasm because Deadpool too quick for him. So now Ash just shout and shoot him. Deadpool is very patient... He just shout back." Eiji explained, while making the three of them a cup of coffee they could drink while they watched the two men argue.

******

A whole month had passed, and Deadpool had not only not delivered, but had gone AWOL. Golzine could not get hold of him for love nor money.

But that was fine, Dino had another trick up his sleeve; a man who had retired some years before, but who he was sure he could bring back. For this man was the one who had trained Ash, so he knew what was at stake here.

He picked up the phone and dialed the number. The other person picked up on the third ring, "Blanca. It's me. I need you."

******

Blanca arrived at Dino's mansion as agreed, and waited for him in the drawing room. It had been some time since he had seen Golzine. He imagined it was something to do with Ash. He didn't have that much use for him otherwise, but what exactly. He'd already been back in New York for a week, and spent that time stalking the boy. Thus, he was aware of his movements, and where he lived. He had also spotted a strange man around at times, always a few strides behind him. But that was it.

Dino sauntered in, as he was prone to, and offered the Russian a glass of champagne. ‘Cause it's 9am and that's a perfect time for champagne. Damn rich people. Anyway.

"How can I be of service, my old friend. You haven't requested my services in a while," Blanca offered.

And Dino explained what happened. He had hired a mercenary, ex special ops, great track record, but... he'd disappeared. No sign of him. And no Ash along with him. At least he hadn't paid him yet, but Ash was to be his son and heir and he wanted him back, damnit! He didn't care what happened to the mercenary, but find the wildcat, tame him, and bring him back!

"I think the merc is a lost cause, Monsieur. I have a feeling he's now protecting Ash. I've been following him all week, and he's always flanked by a man. But I'm sure I can do as you say."

This information caused Dino to rethink his proposal, "Get me Ash, kill the merc, and I'll pay you double. Do we have a deal?"

"We do indeed. It will be good to see dear old Ash again!" Blanca left ready to start his mission, and Dino was quite pleased to notice the lack of music at this man's exit.

******

Ash woke with a start, and his eyes shot open. In the dark, he could just about make out the book that he'd picked up in the lobby. "Islands in the Stream." Blanca was back - he was sure of it. And he wanted him to know about it.

"Ash, you ok?" Eiji asked through a sleepy yawn. He stretched out his arm and then brought it back down to cuddle up to his friend, causing Ash to roll his eyes. This had now become a nightly occurrence. Eiji got very… handsy… in his sleep. Although, it was nice to have a touch that wasn't expecting anything more from him for once. He rolled over to face him, and noticed Deadpool in the background, sans suit, watching them both, holding up his fingers in one hand in an "O" shape, and using the index finger in his other hand to go in and out of that "O".

Deadpool was an idiot.

"You've been tense all week. What is wrong?" Eiji finished.

"I'll tell you later..." He didn't want Deadpool to hear.

"Nooo! Tell us now!" Deadpool exclaimed, "Let us help you, or are you going to be some kind of fucking boring teenage stereotype who's going to mope and moan about nothing in his life going right eveeerrrrr, and wallow in your pain all by yourself. Is that what you want? To be a fucking cliché? When you've got two people here who are willing to help you?"

"Two people?" Ash shot back.

"One very willing Japanese boy…"

"Man!" Eiji interrupted.

"…And one man who just wants to the see the Japanese boy…"

"Man!"

"…Happy, because he's so cute!" Deadpool finished, while staring googly eyed at Eiji and making a heart with his hands. Eiji blushed and, feeling encouraged, cuddled into Ash more.

"ARGH!" Ash shouted in frustration, these two were becoming peas in a fucking pod because Deadpool had a fucking boner for cute Japanese men. "Fine!" He sat up, leaving Eiji's embrace, and feeling a bit sad for it. He faced them both; Eiji below him, Deadpool in the next bed. "All week, I've been feeling like someone else is watching me. Following me around. I thought I was going mad, but then I found that fucking book in the lobby. It's my old teacher, Blanca. He's back. I don't know why, but I suspect it's to pick up where you left off, Deadpool." Deadpool's mouth fell open at the news, and Ash continued. “If that is what he's here for, I'm no match for him. He might as well have me."

Eiji managed to squeak out, "No!" and sat up. "No Ash, you can't give up and go back! You've been through too much! You can leave! Come to Japan with me!" The latter made Deadpool's heart bleed cotton candy, and he immediately started mentally writing his first yaoi fic, featuring the two ... friends... best friends... life partners.

Then Deadpool realised what Ash said, "Wait, did you say 'Blanca'?"

"Yes..."

"Tall, long black hair, Russian, built like a brick shit house, trained assassin, ex KGB, ridiculously good-looking sexy mother fucker?"

"He's better looking than you, at least!" Ash shot at him.

<*gasp* cheeky sonovva!>

"Do you know him, Deadpool-San?" Eiji asked.

Deadpool shrugged. "No, why?"

<I like Deadpool-San. I'm gonna have everyone call me that now.>

Ash grabbed the gun lying under his bed and, in a flash, had it cocked and pointed at Deadpool. "Stop fucking around!"

"Jeeez kid! Yeah, I know him! We crossed paths several years ago. He's formidable - excellent marksman! Man, did that piss me off! Oh my God, does this mean I get to fight him? It's all my Christmases come at once!" He clapped happily and was practically bouncing under his sheets.

Ash lowered his gun. "What do you mean, you get to fight him. This has nothing to do with you!"

"Nothing to do with me? That man worked with the fuckface that ruined my face!" He sniffed. "I was so beautiful, God's gift to earth! And he ruined my life!"

"You don't die, ever! How can he have ruined your life?"

Deadpool thought about this. After all, he did get Vanessa, his girlfriend, back. And he did appear to be immortal. But he still missed his sexy face.

<God, if I'd met me in the street back then, I would so do me.>

"Ok, maybe my life is ok now. But man, I would love to face him in a battle... Can you imagine it. A trained assassin, against a man who won't die! It'll be like when we met, only he's much stronger than you!"

Ash shot Deadpool in the bollocks again and slid back into his bed, wrapping himself around Eiji, who had also slid back down, and tried to go back to sleep. Sadly, Deadpool was making a drama out of losing his balls for the 100th time in the last month and didn't see the cute friends... best friends... erm... kindred spirits, embracing, thus missing out on material for his yaoi fanfiction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again if you made it to the end of this chapter. Will post the final chapter tomorrow.  
> comments always appreciated :)


	3. Final chapter, hopefully.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ah, the final chapter, where it all culminates in the final fight scene. 
> 
> Stay for more fourth wall breaks, Blanca getting flustered, a healthy dose of AshxEiji fluff, more fanboying, and sex advice from Deadpool.

**Chapter Three - Final chapter, hopefully. I mean, I didn't think this crack fic would go on this long. I mean, is it even crack fic if it's more than one chapter? What happened with my life? I remember the good old days before Banana Fish completely ruined me... back when...**

<Oh God, the author's monologuing! Let's move on, shall we?>

The phone rang for the fourth time and, for the fourth time, Ash ignored it. Well, not so much ignored it, but watched it vibrate on the table, along with Eiji, Alex, Bones, Kong and Deadpool. But no one dared to answer it. They all knew who it was, and they all knew what he wanted.

"I could crush it. Then it'll stop ringing altogether! Then they'd just have to smoke us out. Oooh, it'll be like Jacksonville all over again!" Deadpool offered, but the others were too tense to be consoled by his attempt at comic relief.

<Attempt? Excuse me? I think the author is getting a bit too cocky this chapter, don't you?>

The phone stopped, and Ash exhaled the breath he'd been holding. He wasn't sure about his idea, but he knew what they were going to say and he knew what they would do. Everyone knew that Eiji was his weak spot. They would go through Eiji to get to him, so all he could do was offer himself up in return for leaving everyone else alone. Eiji wanted him to go to Japan of course, and boy did he want to go, but he couldn't just leave his boys. Not yet.

The phone rang, and this time, Ash answered it.

"Ash," came the slightly accented voice of the Russian assassin.

"So, it is you."

"What do you think of the book I left you?"

"Old fashioned. You should get some new tastes. The world is changing. It's all about young adult fiction now. Didn't you know, old man?"

He could hear Blanca chuckle down the phone. "I didn't have you down as reading contemporary fiction, Ash. You always were more about the classics."

"What do you want, Blanca?" Ash said, getting impatient with this back and forth.

"Your... father... has instructed me to bring you home. I've been watching you, Ash. I know you're being followed by some flunky. Is he the one Monsieur Golzine hired to capture you originally?"

Ash's face flashed panic momentarily, before going back to ice. Deadpool however, was over the moon that his old enemy had noticed him, but gave no indication of recognising him.

<Senpai noticed me!>

"And what if I refuse to return?"

"I will obviously have to take you by force. And if you resist, then your Japanese friend will suffer for it. You won't know when, you won't know where. You will walk around in complete paranoia, or cower at home too scared to leave, because you won't know where I am or when I will strike. So, you may as well just give in now, and we won't touch a hair on that boy's head." Eiji bristled at being called ‘boy’ again, and nearly called out, when Alex held his hand over his mouth, reminding him to be quiet. It would do no good for them if Blanca heard other people there.

"Why should I do that when I have a 'flunky' protecting me and my- and Eiji?" Deadpool wasn't the only one to notice what Ash was about to say, but he was the only one to squeal and kick his legs like an excited school child hearing that it's pancakes for lunch.

"I'll take care of your 'flunky'-"

"Okay! Counter proposal!" Deadpool interjected, in a voice low enough to be understood, but too low for it to sound like it was him. "Instead of going after Ash and Eiji directly, go through me first. Name the date and venue, and I will meet you there and we'll battle it out, man to man, assassin to assassin, KGB to Special Ops, handsome devil to God's gift to men, your hand job to my blow job."

The whole room, and the voice on the phone, went quiet. "I'm sorry, did I make this uncomfortable for everyone?" Deadpool asked, deadpan.

"Very well, Mr..." Deadpool didn't offer up his name. "If you win our battle, I will leave Ash alone, and report to Golzine that I cannot do this job. It does not mean others won't take it up, but it won't be me. However, if I win our battle, Ash comes with me, and you die." The room has to stop themselves from snorting at that.

"I don't accept. If I win, then it'll be cause you're dead! Golzine will leave these kids, and all his children in his disgusting little paedo ring, alone forever. Because if he doesn't, then I will kill him personally." For once, Deadpool was serious. The others hadn't seen this side of him in the several weeks they'd been living together. Looks like they found his motivation - morally worse guys than him made him want to protect the ones they were after. Even murderous little kitties like this Lynx.

Blanca, amused that anyone would challenge him to a battle to the death, named the date, time, and location, and told the two to come alone. After they hung up, Ash grabbed the phone to make an order, "Hey, Fly, we're gonna need a lot of guns.'' There was no chance he and Deadpool were going alone; he wanted to be packed, and he wanted to make sure his boys had enough protection too, just in case the worst happened.

******

<La La La we have guns! Lalala I have katana! Lalala I have hand grenades! Lalala Oh hi! Well yes, we are coming to the end of this story now. All you have left is a good old fight scene! Who doesn't love a fight scene? I know that's why you're really here. To watch Blanca, a professional assassin, try and assassinate someone who can't physically die. All he can do is delay me by blowing me up. But even if he does that, it won't be the last of me. I will be back to rescue Ash from that pervert. ASHXEIJI FOR LIFE!>

Now who's monologuing...

<Cue the music!>

In time to some dub-step song in the background that they could sort of hear but no idea why they could hear it, Ash, Eiji, Deadpool, Alex, Bones, Kong, and several of Ash's other gang members all arrived at the warehouse Blanca had named as the venue for the big showdown. Between them they felt like they had an army's arsenal of weapons - pistols, machine guns, grenades, swords, switchblades, iron bars, and Deadpool also had some nunchucks for close combat. He wasn't going to lie; he was looking forward to this. The others weren't, but they knew they had luck on their side with the non-dying man around. Deadpool was wearing his suit, as there was every chance Blanca would recognise his burnt and pocked face, but as far as he knew he'd never seen him in his super-dooper super-suit.

They all waited outside the closed warehouse. There was a large shutter down, which Deadpool knocked on, and using the same deeper voice, "Yoo Hoo! Blanca! I'm here for our battle to the death!"

The shutter started to open and, when it was high enough, they all walked in. Deadpool leading, Ash, packed with several guns and a knife following on; Eiji beside him, holding on to Ash's arm, worried about what was going to happen to him and if this would be the last they'd see each other. Behind them, Alex, Bones and Kong, then the rest brought up the rear. They had hoped they wouldn't have to get involved in anything. But seeing Blanca in the middle of the empty warehouse, and Golzine's armed personnel up on the gallery and stairs overlooking them, that hope was probably in vain. In the middle, overseeing everything, Baldy himself. Err, I mean Golzine himself.

Every gun on Golzine's side was trained on the group behind Deadpool, ready, in case they tried anything.

Every man in Ash's gang pulled out one of their guns and had them ready, but not pointed, not wanting to provoke them.

Blanca raised his hand and the guards lowered their weapons. "Now now, gentlemen. We don't need to start like that yet. We have our own fight first." He looked at Ash. "I said to come alone."

"What, you can bring people but we can't?" Ash shot back.

Deadpool ignored him and spoke directly to Blanca. "So yeah, like. How do you wanna do this? You wanna do weapons? No weapons? Oh! Can we do the Wild West quick draw? I've always wanted to do one of those!!"

"I see you're the one I'm fighting? Nice… suit, Mr..."

"Just Deadpool."

<Hey guys, things are gonna get a bit more serious now, so if you don't like violence, I'd look away now.>

"Deadpool, I see. Interesting name..." Blanca smirked, confident that he was going to win this. He quickly glanced over at Ash, who scowled back at him. "Let's go, shall we?" And with that he led with a chop to the side of Deadpool's head that, on a normal person would have knocked them out. Instead it just made Deadpool's ear ring, and he took a couple of unsteady steps back.

Blanca was perplexed. Why didn't that work? He was clearly tougher than he thought. He'd have to make sure not to pull his punches. He went back in, with more rage, while Deadpool steadied himself and ducked as Blanca's punch to the face only hit air, and Deadpool's quick kick sent Blanca flying.

Watching, Ash couldn't believe his ex-tutor had gotten caught out not once, but twice, and they hadn't even started using weapons yet. He had been in retirement; was he out of practice? Or was Deadpool just that good?

Both plausible, but neither should be...

The fight continued, as Blanca got another swift chop to the back of Deadpool's neck - which should've broken a bone, and to be fair, it did. Deadpool's head snapped forward, and it hung against his chest. Everyone waited for the internally decapitated man to slump onto the floor. But instead, he held up one finger. "Can you just, give me a minute. Unfair advantage you see: you can see what you're doing, and all I can see is my dick." A couple of the guys in Ash's group choked back a laugh, while Blanca just looked incredulous at the other man.

Deadpool used his other hand to raise his head so he could see. "Can we use weapons now?" Without waiting for an answer, he drew his magnum and fired three shots in quick succession, aiming for Blanca but missing. "Damnit. If I could hold my own head up then I wouldn't have the aim of a baby!" His head would recover shortly, he knew, but he didn't have that much time.

And as he was thinking that, Blanca ran forward and landed a kick straight into Deadpool's right leg, causing it to snap, half a broken bone jutting out.

All the guys in Ash's group shuddered at the horrific sight. Deadpool was now on the ground, leg practically in three pieces, head not quite repaired. He was meant to me Ash's saviour of sorts, but here he was, on the ground. Useless. They didn't know what to think when Blanca shot Deadpool straight through the head at point blank range.

"Humph, not much of a battle. I've fought much tougher!" Blanca sauntered towards Ash, who was now holding on tight to Eiji's hand, and Eiji was holding on back. The two friends- best friends- I... whatever they are to each other - they and the whole gang had their guns ready and pointed at him, just in case Deadpool didn't rise. "I'm taking you back to Monsieur Golzine. Either come quietly, or these guys are going to make mincemeat of your friends," he told Ash when he reached him.

While everyone else was focused on Blanca, Alex was the one who spotted him first. Deadpool managed to snap his head back up, and his leg started to repair, and when he saw Ash and Eiji holding hands, fanboy energy filled his body; he gathered himself up and hobbled, to begin with, and then walked up to Blanca. Alex nudged Bones, who nudged Kong, who nudged Eiji, who smirked at Blanca. Blanca, observing this, turned around, having completely failed to hear Deadpool get up and move. "What the-"

He didn't finish as Deadpool cut him off with a punch to the gut. "Ok, last bit of close combat."

With Blanca down, Deadpool sat on him and punched him in the head. Again, "Where do you get off," and again, "trying to take a kid back," and again, "to someone you know is going to abuse him?" until Blanca managed to swivel underneath him and throw him off.

Deadpool did a breakfall and got up quickly, "But then, working with Francis you always had a mean streak didn't you?"

Blanca stood opposite him, and watched him, frowning. "Who the fuck are you?"

"You… you don't recognise me?" Deadpool relaxed and walked closer. Blanca got his gun and shot, and kept shooting, but Deadpool kept walking closer, until he was right up in his face. "How about now?"

"Oh shit!" There was only one person he knew who could regenerate so quickly he'd survive gunshots to the head.

"Oh... you do recognise me!" He took off his mask, showing his damaged face, "Peekaboo!" and landed a kiss on Blanca's lips. Blanca was absolutely frozen.

"W-W-Wade..." He turned slightly to look at Ash. "You got... Wade?"

"Old friend of yours, is he?"

"..." Blanca turned on his heel, and headed towards the warehouse exit. "Nope. Nope nope nope, I'm not doing this! I'm off! This is not happening! I am not going through this shit! I am not fighting someone to the death who cannot die!" He grabbed his coat on the way out and continued saying "No, no, no, nope, not on your life, get fucked, it's not happening," all the way to the airport, where he took the first flight back to the Caribbean.

"Huh. Well that sucks, I was just getting started."

Unseen by the gang, Dino nodded his head; at the signal, six of his men jumped out and tackled Deadpool to the ground, and managed to inject just enough of something into him before he could get them off.

The gang were ready to shoot, but Ash stopped them. He was certain they injected Banana Fish into him, but he had no idea what it would do to Deadpool. If it worked on him they had to scatter, and fast. Shooting him was just going to force him to attack them. So they all waited. Deadpool was rising slowly, holding his head in his hands and groaning. Like he had the world's biggest headache. He looked directly at Ash and Eiji, and cocked his head.

"Deadpool! Those boys in front of you are your enemies! You're terrified of them! You will only be safe once you've killed them!" Dino shouted from him vantage point.

Everyone expected Deadpool to react, to scream in terror, and to start shooting.

Instead, Deadpool stretched, and sounded like he was yawning. Then shook his head. "Wooo! What a trip! Damn, that's some drug! Sorry dude, I regenerate faster than the drug can work. We're done here. Ash, Eiji, everyone, let's go. I won, he has to leave you alone now!" He walked towards the shutter, and as he did so, Dino let out a roar of frustration. He commanded his forces to go after Ash, and separate him from the Japanese boy. "Surround them both! Kill the others!"

Having seen Blanca walk away, they stayed where they were.

"That is a direct order! Go or I'll have you and your families shot!"

Fuck. They relented and started shooting, the gang shot back. "Scatter!" Ash ordered, and the gang spread out, shooting up the stairs as they went. Ash shot as many as he could coming towards him and Eiji, yet they still managed to get separated. "Eiji! Shoot them for fucks sake!"

Eiji shot, managed to get a few arms and legs, but he mostly missed and soon found himself surrounded.

Alex, Bones and Kong ran up the stairs to take care of the ones on the gallery, and Deadpool shot and killed all those who had tackled him to inject whatever drug they were talking about. "Where's that Dino motherfucker!" He shouted as he looked up to where Golzine had been standing. He was no longer there, but could see the other three running off after him, so he followed.

"Eiji!" Ash shouted, as the boy- Man! - disappeared from his sight, and he shot through the foreheads of three more henchmen.

Deadpool couldn't see any sign of Golzine. Alex confirmed he seemed to have gone. They turned back towards the floor of the warehouse, when Deadpool heard Ash scream for Eiji. He looked over the barrier and could see Ash struggle to get to him. He could just about make out Eiji's head in the middle of several large men keeping him away from the others.

"Maximum effort," he said to himself and he jumped over the side. "Super hero landing!" He landed, knee bent, feet down, in super hero pose. "MOTHER FUCKER! OW!" And he started hobbling, again, towards Eiji.

"Eiji!" Ash shouted again, finally managing to get clear of the henchmen coming towards him, and started shooting at the ones surrounding his friend- best friend - Ok they're lovers! There. Happy? There I was trying to write a smut free fic and look what you've done. Honestly you lot!

"Eiji!" Deadpool shouted as he hobbled/ran to one half of his OTP.

Deadpool caught up to Ash as his ankle went back into place, and was threatening to go faster than Ash, but Ash wasn't having any of it. He shot another couple of guys and tried to shove Deadpool out of the way. Deadpool wanted the glory of carrying Eiji out of danger and reuniting him with his lover, even if it meant stopping his lover getting to him first, so he pushed Ash away. Ash, too quick, ducked and jumped into the fray. Deadpool dived in after him, and a gun battle ensued. With the other gunmen having run away or shot dead, the rest of the gang watched the fight between Ash, Deadpool, and the men around Eiji.

Punches were thrown, guns shot, knives stabbing through chests. Then silence.

And from the dust storm, Deadpool emerged, carrying Eiji in his arms, and carrying Ash over one shoulder. Ash was extremely unimpressed and scowled at anyone who dared look at him the wrong way over this. Eiji was over the moon, and thoroughly smitten with Deadpool for carrying him, but knowing full well that it was both him and Ash who rescued him.

<I just want to look cool.>

******

A few days after the fight, Ash and Eiji were relaxing in their apartment, getting ready to see Deadpool off. It had been a very strange month, this weird mutant entering their lives, first as an enemy, and then as a fanboy, and then their rescuer (while still being a fanboy).

"I will miss you Deadpool-San. But what will happen now? Golzine not gone, I'm sure."

"He's biding his time. He'll have another plan for me soon, I'll bet my ass on it." Ash replied for Deadpool. 

Deadpool nodded, agreeing with Ash. "I'm going to go look for him. Stake out his place for a while, his other hiding places, see what intel I can get on him. And then I'm gonna kill him and free the boys he's holding in Club Cod. I've got your Max Lobo's details, so I'll work with him on whatever I find. We'll make it so that paedo bastard can't hurt you or other boys ever again. And I promise if I find out anything about him going after you again, I'll be back to protect you."

"You barely protected us the first time!"

"Did or did not Blanca kill me and take you back to Baldy?"

Ash didn't answer.

"Take care of yourselves, take it easy. Don't do drugs. You," He pointed at Eiji, "look after him. He needs it more than he admits. And you!" He pointed at Ash, "Your lover is definitely a top; make sure you use lube."

And he left, leaving the two boys blushing and speechless.

After a few minutes of gazing at each other, still blushing, Ash asked, "Now that Deadpool's gone, are you going back to your bed?"

"Do I have to?"

Ash smiled, "I'd rather you stayed by my side, in our bed."

And outside, Deadpool, who had been listening at the door, melted into a puddle of goo.

**The end.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you thank you thank you for sticking with this. I asked myself several times what on earth I was doing, so it means a lot that you guys read this and, hopefully, liked it. 
> 
> As always, comments/kudos appreciated.
> 
> PS. I told my boyfriend about this idea and he hates it. So show him who's right ;)

**Author's Note:**

> To be continued. I'll update in a few days. 
> 
> Well done if you made it to the end of the chapter XD  
> I hope you like it so far! Comments/kudos always appreciated!


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